Cognitive Grief

 

The world as I have known it here in the United States is changing.

 What is my response? What is your response?

As I ponder what is happening, I keep coming back to a lesson we learned in Mozambique.

There was a time in Mozambique when home invasions were becoming more and more common. In one of the home invasions, a missionary was injured and needed to be evacuated by air ambulance. This missionary, a pilot and piano player, had a hand injury so bad that we didn’t know if he would ever be able to do those two things again. While we gave lip service to “We will not fear; God is in control,” the mission community as a whole started to show signs of panic and irrational thinking. At the time, the community thought we were handling the crisis well; but looking back my husband and I have come to realize that many of our decisions were made out of fear and grief. Our world had been shaken up in a way we weren’t expecting. God had allowed one of our own to be injured.

The situation we are facing here in the USA now has some of those same themes. As Christians, we know that we are to trust and that it will be ok. But there is this fear of the unknown that wants to creep into our minds and hearts to control us. So what do we do?

A very wise lady and mentor to me in the missionary community put together a presentation on grief. I attended her lecture, not sure how it would be relevant. What I learned that night has radically changed how I view many uncertain events in my life. I’d like to share some things that I learned.

This definition of grief, gave me so much hope. “Grief is a natural process of discovering what was lost, what is left, and what is possible.” John Schneider. For the first time, I heard about cognitive losses: how you perceive and know things. Most of us are familiar with grief for loved ones who have died. But we don’t think about this idea of grieving cognitive losses.

Cognitive losses include things like: dreams, security, safety, trust, mental sharpness, lifestyle, plans for the future, etc. Often we are scared to try to unpack what grief in this area looks like. What if I can’t stop crying? What good can come from acknowledging it? What if it takes too much time? What if I do the process but it’s doesn’t “fix” anything? These questions are all coming out of a place of fear in our lives. To deal with grief takes courage and strength. But to not deal with grief leaves a person feeling stuck and frustrated.

As we correctly deal with our grief, it gives us room in our hearts to help others deal with their grief. It gives space to show love when you just want to judge. It gives wisdom to see past what is being said to what is behind the words.

There are many different ways to deal with grief, but the first and most important thing is to call it what it is and what it is not. Example: So today I am grieving the loss of security for my country and my family and life as we know it for a season because of the coronavirus. But the coronavirus is NOT bigger than my God. This is not a one-time statement but something that you need to revisit as it comes to mind. May I encourage you during this time of grief to make sure that you ask God to place the Helmet of Salvation on your head to help control your thoughts. Ask God to show you the lies that Satan is throwing at your mind to cause more grief or panic.

I have found personally that sometimes just acknowledging that I am grieving what I have always known, and reminding myself that God is still in control, gives me the ability to move forward. Sometimes it takes more intentional work and really taking each thought captive and comparing it against God’s Word for what is true. (check out the my blog on lamenting to help with the process)  But whether it’s a one-time thing or a process over days, I have found that acknowledging the grief and calling it what it is has always given me room in my heart to love others better. It’s not a sign of weakness but a way to start to deal with the emotions, process what is really going on, and then caring for others as they process.

I don’t know where you find yourself in the journey that is now facing us here in the USA, but I encourage you to acknowledge that life has changed and we need to move forward. Not because we have answers but because we have a God who has the answers. May we acknowledge that there is a form of grief that goes with the uncertainty and change of life as we knew it. May we process our own grief in the situation, may we always remember 2 Corinthians 1:4 “He comforts us in all our trouble so that we can comfort others.” It is worth taking time to think through this SO THAT we can minister more effectively to those God has placed in our influence.

Cul-de-sacs, Conduits, and Covid 19

Psalms 46: 1-3,11 NLT

¹ God is our (Heidi’s) refuge (safe place)

 and strength (energy),
    always ready(God’s timing is perfect)

 to help in times of trouble (that includes covid 19).
² So we (Heidi) will not fear (be angry)

when earthquakes come (my world feels like it’s falling apart)
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. (there is so much drama around me)
³ Let the oceans roar and foam. (let the anger and fear surface)
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! (let the anxiety be expressed)

¹¹ The Lord of Heaven’s Armies (the Great I AM, the beginning and end)

is here among us;(is holding me, Heidi, in His hands)
    the God of Israel is our fortress. (God has the answers and is my safe place)

During these times, I have been thinking and meditating on how I turn my grief over the many losses into an action that is healthy and keeps me moving without getting stuck. My heart’s cry is to come out of this time having processed the grief in a biblical way and being stronger in who I am in Jesus.

In my searching and thinking, the word “lament” kept surfacing. Lament is an action word—a word that moves you from one place to another. But how do I do that? Is it even biblical? As I was thinking about this, I read an article by Mark Vroegop called Strong Churches Speak the Language of Lament on thegospelcoalation.org. This statement jumped out at me: “Laments are not cul-de-sacs of sorrow, but conduits for renewed faith.” My heart jumped; I loved this idea. For a short season, we may need to go through the circle of grief. But in lamenting, we are moving from that circle or cul-de-sac of sorrow into becoming a channel of God’s grace and love that God can use for his glory. I kept reading; Vroegop lays out four steps to a good lament.

1. Turn to Prayer
2. Bring our Complaints
3. Ask Boldly
4. Choose Trust

Although the article came from a reliable source, I wanted to see this pattern demonstrated in the pages of Scripture. David came to mind, so I turned to the Psalms to see if I could see this pattern. As I read over psalm after psalm, I saw part of this pattern over and over again. David always starts with addressing God for who he is, like in the passage above. (God is our refuge and strength). In some psalms, David complains and asks boldly; in others, he does only one of these. But he always chooses to trust God in the end.

As I pondered, I have come to believe that the fourth step is really the step that gets us moving out of the cul-de-sac and to becoming a conduit of God’s love and grace. I am finding, though, that unless I walk through the first steps with a vulnerability and authenticity with God, the fourth step is hard to move into. Only as we bring our true feelings, complaints, fears, and frustrations to our Heavenly Father in prayer, can we really leave them at the cross. Only when we give these to Jesus and ask him to carry the pain, can we truly choose to trust. I love how David ends this psalm: “God is my fortress.” God is my safe place. I don’t know what is happening or what is going to happen, but God is my safe place, the one I can trust.

I believe David understood about being vulnerable. He understood that his story really was not about himself. His story was about bringing God glory in every situation: in the pain and in the joy, in the laughter and the tears. Over and over, you see David reminding God that this craziness is really part of God’s story and God should do something. But in the end, David always surrenders to God his own ideas, hopes, and dreams for what might have been. David takes his hands off the controls and says, “God, I trust you know what you are doing. So I rest in you. Use me for your story.”

So I have been learning how to express to Jesus my fear, my anxiety, my grief. I often even let him know exactly what I would do if I was in charge. But then I leave those things in the hands of Jesus at the foot of the cross, and I walk away,

* choosing to trust that my God doesn’t make mistakes even in the middle of the chaos

* choosing to trust that the purpose of my life story is to point people to Jesus (my story really is not about me anyway)

*choosing to release my perceived control over my life, so that I can be part of God’s story.

“Lord, teach us to be people who are conduits of your love, who have truly processed our grief and losses. People who are choosing to trust you, even when we don’t understand. People who are willing to give up our “rights” so we can bring you glory in all we do.”